Jolterisms

A LEGEND IN HIS OWN LIFETIME AND BEYOND. JOLTER IS BELIEVED TO HAVE WORKED AT WATERLOO PIT, LYDBROOK, IN THE ROYAL FOREST OF DEAN.

HE’S HAD MORE RESURRECTIONS THAN (*PLEASE INSERT YOUR OWN PUNCHLINE*).

WE’VE COLLECTED THE FOLLOWING JOLTERISMS AND WANT TO COLLECT THEM ALL BEFORE THEY GO THE SAME WAY OL’ JOLTER DID, SO CONTACT US WITH YOURS.

The Hen House

Ol’ Jolter and three mates, were up on the Pludds helping a pal move a hen-house down the lane. It got heavier and heavier and soon the man at the front shouted, “This old thing be ‘eavy for a wooden ‘en ‘ouse! Jolter! Come up front an’ givvus ‘and!”

“‘Im byunt at the back ‘ere. Where the ‘ell is ‘e?”

“Jolter, where are you? Givvus some ‘elp!”

Then a muffled voice came from inside the henhouse.

“I bist workin’ ‘ard. I’m sat in yerr carryin’ the perches!”

The Funeral

‘Im dreamt one night ‘im were jud, an’ when ‘im woke up in the marnin’ and found the blinds down ‘im thought it were true, zo ‘im went and put ‘is black suit on ta the vuneral.

The Loaves

Jolter said, “If you can tell me how many loaves I’ve got in this basket, I’ll give you all six of ‘em.”

The Donkey

“I cosn’t git me donk under thic bridge, ‘is yurs be too ‘igh,” complained Jolter.

“Dig a little trench under the bridge, Jolter,” advised a friend.

Jolter, amazed at such foolishness said, “Thee gurt sawney vool, ‘tes the donk’s yurs what be too ‘igh, not ‘is vit.”

The Stone

“If thee its thur vust put a stun on the wall, old un, and if I be thur afore thee I’ll knock’n off.”

The Boots

“Ah,” said Jolter, solemnly, “I wore me new boots about the ‘ouse for a wik afore I put ’em on.”

The Bike

Jolter bought himself a bike but couldn’t reach the pedals, so he let the tyres down.

The Missus

“Where bist gwain, Jarge?”

“Down to see the Doctor. I don’t like the look of my missus.”

“Hang on,” said Jolter. “I’ll come with ya; I can’t stand the sight o’ mine.”

The Searchlight

During the war, Jolter and his friends were looking at a searchlight. “Bet you couldn’t climb up the light, Jolter.”

“Course I could.”

“Why dussent thee then?”

“Ah, old Jolter ain’t daft, by the time I was ‘alfway up’n some bugger ‘ould dowse’n.”

From Susie: The Wooden Leg

Jolter stuck his wooden leg out the window to see if it was raining.

From Libby: The Shoes

Jolter had on one brown shoe & one black. “Oy, I got another pair at wum like these,” he said.

From Libby: The Funeral

Jolter went wum drunk on the cy wun night an went strait ta bed. Is missus coudent wake im in tha ‘erly marnin zo er left tha curtins crossed in thayer bedrum. Jolter woke up wi a zore yud in tha dark and thought im must be dyud, so im put is best zuit on, ztumbled down th’ooden ‘ill an went ta goo owt tha kichin dar.

“Where’s think thou be gwan in thic zuit,” opined ‘is missus.

“I be off to me vuneral missus,” zed Jolter.

“Cum back yer,” ‘er showted, “thee duzzent get awoy vrum me thic eazy.”

From Jarvis: The Germans

Jolter and his missus were in bed one night during the war. She wakes him up when the German bombers fly over and says to him, “Jolter, Jerry’s over”.

Jolter says, “Never mind, mop it up in the marnin”.

From Mike Marfell: The Snowdrift

Ol’ Jolter was stuck in a snowdrift, so he went wum to get a shovel and dig himself out.

From Mike Marfell: The Horse

One day Jolter was riding a horse. He wanted to see what he looked like, so got off to take a look.

From Mike Marfell: The Rain

Jolter was at a mate’s house one night and it was raining terrible outside. “Better stop ‘ere for the night, Jolter,” says his mate. “Okay,” says Jolter. Later, his mate heard banging at the door – it was Jolter. “What you doing, Jolter?” “It stopped raining,” he says, “so I went wum to get my pyjamas.”

 From Mike Marfell: The Chickens

Jolter kept his chickens in a coop by the train track. They kept getting out and getting hit by the trains. So Jolter put the train timetable up in the coop, then it’d be their fault if they got hit.

From Josh: The Tape Measure

Ol’ Jolter went to bed with his tape measure, so he could see how long he slept for.

From Tina: The Breakfast

Jolter got up for breakfast. “What’s for breakfast?” he asked his mother. “Well, there’s no bread,” she replied. “I’ll have toast then,” he said.

From Tina: The Stone

Jolter said to his mate, “When you go to work in the marnin’, if you get to the stile first put a stone on it, and if I get there first, I’ll knock it off.”

From Gordon, at Townsend House: The Zinc

Ol’ Jolter didn’t like getting his yud wet so when ‘im left work on a rainy afternoon ‘im  would grab a sheet of zinc and use it like a brolly. Iz mates would always laugh and say silly bugger, but ol’ Jolter had the last laugh when ‘im ad built a new zinc shed at the bottom of the garden. 

From the Dean Forest Mercury, 1959: The Pit

Jolter went home from the pit one day and told a friend, “Rain was coming in from all resurrections.”

From the Dean Forest Mercury, 1959: The Relative

When asked about the condition of a relative Jolter said, “Her ain’t so good – her have lost one of her hearts and two of her lungs.”

From the Dean Forest Mercury, 1959: The Local

Declining assistance to get him home after leaving the local late at night, Jolter said, “If I can’t go without myself, I won’t go at all.”

From the Dean Forest Mercury, 1959: The Wait

“Lock the key and bring the door up, her yunt coming now, sure to,” said Jolter to one of his children when they were waiting for the arrival of their mother.

The Walk

‘Im used ta walk backwuds ta work ta kid izzelf ‘im were comin’ back wum.

The Sharp Stone

Jolter was working in the pit and bent down over a piece of timber and a sharp stone dropped down and socked him right between the shoulders. He yelled and tried to rub the place but couldn’t reach it, so he picked up his pick handle and clouted himself on the shin, then sat down and started rubbing his shin and cussing. His mate asked him whatever did he hit his shin for. “Well,” said Jolter, “thic stwun as ‘it I atween the shoulders ‘I’m didn’t ‘alf ‘urt. I couldn’t rach rub there so I ‘it my shin, I ‘ad ta rub summit.”

The Pit Manager

Jolter went to see the manager of the pit about his stall and when he went into the office, the manager’s new secretary told him to take his hat off. “What var?” asked Jolter. “I be come about my stall – not ta get a ‘haircut.”

The Old Grange

His mates once bet him that he couldn’t stay in the Old haunted Grange for a whole night, and if he did they would bring him a quart of his favourite drink (Jolter Cider, of course). So, they left him while he kicked off his shoes and got comfortable. One of the chaps dressed up in a white sheet and called to him, “Jolter, come and follow me.” Jolter never said a word. This happened three times. Until the ‘ghost’ said, “Didst thou ‘ear I Jolter? Follow me!’ “Oye, I ‘eard tha all right,” squeaked Jolter, “but if thou’lt wait til I’ve vound my t’other shoe thou’lt ‘ave ta volla me!”

From Alec Baldwin: The Wife 

Ol’ Jolter was in a pub in Cinderford and his mate said to him, “Why ant thee married?” “Well, thee knows I like a drop o’ drink,” said Jolter. “She don’t want me when I’m drunk. And I don’t want her when I’m sober.”

From Chris Baldwin: The Sovereign

One night Ol’ Jolter was up by St White’s Hill with matches, hunting about the grass at the side of the road.
Three chaps come along and asked him what he was looking for..
“Alf a sovereign,” he replied.
They all joined him for a good half hour then one asked him, “Where dist drap ‘un Jolter?”
Jolter laughed at them, “I ant drapped nern, I be looking to see if somebody else ‘ave.”

From Chris Baldwin: The Funeral Procession

Ol’ Jolter was playing golf with Jarge and was about to chip onto the green when a funeral procession came past. He stopped in mid-swing, took off his cap, closed his eyes and bowed in prayer. “That was very touching,” said Jarge, “you truly are a good man.” “Oye,” said Jolter. “Well, we were married thirty-five years, mind.”

From Chris Baldwin: The Hundred Men

Jolter told his mates he had a new job with 100 men under him. Very impressed, they asked Jolter what the job was. “I’m a Sexton at the church,” said Jolter.

From Dave Price: The Sun or the Moon?

Jolter was standing in the bus queue in Coleford in th’early evening when a ‘ooman comes up to him.

 “Is that the Sun or the Moon up there in the sky?” asked the woman.

“Dunno. I’m not from round ‘ere, l’m from Lydbrook” said Jolter

The Mole Skin Trousers

Going into Jacobs in Cinderford, Jolter looked around at the men’s clothing section. The assistant approached him and asked if he needed any help.

“I be looking for a pair of mole skin trousers for work, he replied.

“What size will you be looking for, sir?” the assistant asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he replied. “Well, let’s see, I have the legs of a boy, but the ass of a man.”

The Salary

“What’s the difference between wages an’ salary?” an apprentice asked the foreman.

“Doosn’t thee know?” called out Jolter. “Wages is what th’s get at the end of the wik, an’ salary’s what th’s grow in the garden.”

The Ladder

Jolter said that the first ladder he went up was down a well.

The Tandem

Jolter was helping to ride a tandem up a steep hill when his mate at the front turned round and said, “That was hard work!”

“It sure was,” Jolter replied, “and it would have been ever harder if I hadn’t had the brakes on.”

The Price of Flour

During the First World War the price of flour went soaring upwards and an indignant Jolter announced, “I’m blowed if I’ll pay that price – we’ll eat the dry bread first!”

The Pint of Cider

Jolter wanted to take a pint of cider home from the local, but he only had his cloth cap in which to put it. The landlord filled the cap but there was still some left. Not to be outdone, Jolter turned the cap over, made a dent in it and said, “Put the rest in there, ‘ol butt.”

The Shopping List

With a shopping list in his hand he went to the grocery store and asked for a pound of Calico and a yard of butter.

The Shilling

A small girl had swallowed a shilling. Her mother, feeling very distressed, called out, “Can anyone help me please?”

Jolter responded, “Send for the parson, he can get money out of anything.”